Nickie

Several years ago, after an invite from my beloved cousin Jenna, I entered The Zone. It sounds rather intense, and if I’m being honest, my first few visits were exactly that, intense. Sixty minutes of lifting (while singing cuz you couldn’t help yourself with the playlists the coaches were blaring) was one thing, but watching a woman to your right throw around some massive weights was next level a lot. It was intimidating; she was intimidating (She’d laugh at me and roll her eyes when I told her about my first impressions.). She was Nickie,  a most wonderful mentor, workout partner, coach, and friend, someone I had to say goodbye to all too soon.

The Zone became a second home for me; and Nickie, Sue, Dina, Becki and others became part of my tribe. We were Team Unicorn, Team Thursday Nights with Nickie; we were more than just people who worked out together, more than gym friends.  We were a little family. We supported and encouraged each other; we carved our time for each other - we spent hours upon hours talking and training; we even bar hopped a time or two (Long live the night we met Juice!!). We had each other’s backs, and we walked each other through life’s challenges and triumphs - these women watched me become a mama and helped me become the one I strive to be.  

The pandemic was rough for a million different reasons, and one was the fact that it kept us apart. No more group training sessions with Nickie and Sue; no more brunch dates after yoga and lifting; no opportunity to keep an eye on one another...and that’s the part I can’t let go of, the missed time that made for each ‘if only...’ 

Because in August, completely unexpectedly, we lost Nickie. I can still feel the horror, the devastation, that came with waking up to Sue’s message or that sick feeling as I scrolled through Facebook and, alongside so many people who loved and were better for knowing Nickie, sunk deeper and deeper into despair.  How could she be gone?  If only I could have checked in on her more. If only we could have seen her and sensed something, done something, changed things....if only... 

She was a force, our force. Nickie could do anything - and did everything for everyone.  Moments to talk about her and memories of Nickie pop up often, and they always stop me in my tracks and steal a little breath: that random P!nk song or a workout playlist favorite; a Sunday Eagles game; a ‘you may know’ Facebook profile picture with her; her name or number auto-filling on phone; some form of ‘buck up and dig deeper’ (something Nickie notoriously got us all to do) from a peloton instructor; H asking to hold the picture of Mama’s friend, which sits beside my bed; utterance of the phrase ‘boy mom,’ which Nickie promised I was made for (I hope I’m doing alright, Nic.); that rack of weights we said we’d all get together in my basement to use. 

I think of Nickie for a million reasons, most of all because she taught me how to give my all. And I will always be grateful, even though the tears.